The Emotions of Empty Nesting in Menopause
Trigger Warning: I share an experience in my life of losing a family friend as a murder victim. It is shared in the greater context of motherhood and grief, and may be traumatic for some to listen to.
I share my experience of seeing a mother’s deep grief, when I was 16, after my moms friend lost her daughter to a horrific murder.
I do not give details or names, although I know the family was successful in changing the Canadian parole system, and how violent offenders apply for parole.
Empty nesting, or the empty nest syndrome is something that many parents go through, once their children leave home.
It is said that the Empty Nest Syndrone more common in women than men. It refers to a feeling, rather than a condition that is a diagnosis.
If you have felt this sadness, or grief, when your own children have left home, then you know what I felt when my daughter left for university.
In this episode, I share my feelings of empty nesting, and how it heightened my feelings of grief. I recorded it in the second, very quiet week, of my daughter’s actual move away to school.
Updated April 2023: When I recorded this, I intuitively knew that these feelings were tied to the death of my fiance, the father of my child, and my own identity as a mother, but did not into too much “research” at the time.
People who have lost a spouse, or who are full time mothers are said to experience this feeling of loss more acutely than those who work outside the home. I was a single, working mom, in the early years of my daughters life, and was not a stay at home mom. I was a primary caregiver, with the stage of motherhood having intense meaning for me, in my life.
Many events, and feelings and past experience make up the Empty Nest Syndrome feeling.
I would also argue that losing a pet may also feel like an Empty Next experience.
Experiencing the Empty Nest
I was very excited for my daughter to go to post secondary school, even with the uncertainty of COVID-19. Schools were still experiencing isolation, and she had already been through a very tough high school experience, so I did worry for her mental health.
Nonetheless, I was also excited for her to experience this chapter of her life.
This is what made this bittersweet, worry, loss and sadness, paired with excitement for the future.
I felt the emotions rising through he week of her departure, and by the Friday, (her move was Saturday,) my volcano of emotion erupted. I think the experience of losing my partner when my daughter was 18 months old has come full circle into this very emotional, empty nest experience.
Empty Nesting has brought up more than I though it would. Besides the feelings of loss, around childhood years, and regret, around things I wish I did differently, I feel like I am facing my own mortality.
Time moves forward, and we cannot get it back.
I was sharing this experience with a friend, who told me that this feeling will come and go. And yes it’s hard, and it's hard.
It's hard for them. It's hard for us.
Our JOB is to launch our children, she said.
Times like this do make me think of my mom who passed away in 2016, and I hear her voice.
She always used to say, “I give you roots and I give you wings.” As a daughter I excelled at holding up my end of the mother-daughter relationship with a lot of snarkiness, and eye rolling, because I thought she was absolutely ridiculous using this metaphor all the time.
Enough, already.
Now that I have the perspective of age, I see that my mom gave me more roots in life and wings in death, perhaps.
My mother gave me an anchor in our codependent mother-daughter relationship.
When I investigated the origin of that saying, I found a website called Quote Investigator that attributed the same to a bunch of different sources. The one I remember my mom parroting is this one.
“A wise woman once said to me, there are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is these roots, the other is wings.”
Quote investigator says that this may come from Hotting Carter, the author of the book, Where the Main Street Meets the River, and this was written in 1953.
Apparently this quote started a little more wordy and got watered down after a little bit. It's hard to describe the feelings of watching wings unfolding up to my daughter's departure date.
I feel like I'm misappropriating the word loss.
I felt like I was misappropriating the word addiction from people who struggle, and I touched upon that in episode number six, my food addiction episode with Dr. David Wiss.
I want to use the word loss, but I haven't lost my daughter. Things have just changed.
The full episode is here, below.
People and things I mentioned:
One true Thing, the book by Anna Quindlen.
The works of Joe Dispenza.
Michelle Breau, who has kicked my butt into action to get me starting this podcast!
CBH Energetics, formerly known as Creating Balanced Health, where you can find The Awareness Scan, and book a bioresonance consult with me!
John Kabat-Zinn, who is called The Father of Mindfulness.
“Whatever you wind up doing, that's what you're wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking right now, that's what's on your mind. Whatever has happened to you it has already happened, The important questions, how are you going to handle it? In other words, Now what?
John Kabat-Zinn
Words to anchor in the Empty Nest transition:
Permission
Acceptance
Gratefulness
How can we help each other embrace this season of life? While I figure this new phase out, I will continue to walk, journal, slow down and savour, while I continue to work through my own past grief.
Coming up: my experience with Reiki, and meditation, and what came up on my Awareness Scan from Creating Balanced Health!
What have you tried during this time, to make you feel fuller? Please share!