The Midlife Crisis! What is it and How to Move Through YOUR Midlife Crisis!
Do you think you’re having a midlife crisis?
This podcast episode and blog post will explain:
What a midlife crisis is.
Why a midlife crisis is different in women.
Common triggers of a midlife crisis.
Why having a midlife crisis can be a good process to go through.
I’ll also give you some questions to figure out if you are indeed having a midlife crisis, or not.
Many of us have a midlife crisis hit us in our 40’s, 50’s and beyond. I think I’m on my 3rd!
When the topic of a midlife crisis comes up, we think of the cliche of aging men, young women and sports cars. The Midlife Crisis is a point in their life where they want to feel young again. And valued. Adored, even.
Women also reach a point in their life where they question the road behind, AND the road ahead, in the form of THE MIDLIFE CRISIS.
Before we move on, please note that a Midlife Crisis can very closely look like depression. Anyone can experience depression through any stage of life. Postpartum, the childbearing years, perimenopause, and menopause are particularly vulnerable times for depression.
Please seek help from a licensed care practitioner if you are unsure if what you are going through is menopause, a midlife crisis or depression, or all of them!
These can all overlap and a true holistic approach to menopause health involves your licensed physician, and mental health professional as well.
I am not a doctor and this blog post/podcast episode shares personal experience and is for education, and information, not diagnostic advice.
About 6 weeks ago, I started my third Midlife Crisis.
It sounds selfish, doesn’t it? There were a few triggers to this particular midlife crisis, and I emotionally bottomed out, drifted into thinking about my past.
I started repeating: I’m 56. Where the hell did my life go?
Things went downhill from there. A thought can trigger a crisis in midlife, it seems.
I questioned what I am doing with my life, transitioning into entrepreneurship in menopause. This led to wondering about my purpose. Then, I started to regret my past. All the poor decisions I've made, what I've said to people, things I've done. I ripped apart my parenting, my step parenting, who I have been in relationships.
My mind felt dark.
I kept thinking about my mortality. About how much time I have left.
It is easy to brush off these types of feelings as women.
We’re taught to press on, be there for our families, and just be grateful. If I shared these thoughts with certain friends, I would be brushed off with statements like, “Don’t be silly.” or “Why do you have to think like that?”
Women and men alike, are taught to ignore emotions, or just suck them up.
There are times when we DO need to suck it up, and move forward.
Yes, IT IS important to remind ourselves to be grateful.
Being grateful is so supportive of happiness.
BUT, sometimes, man, we just need to feel what we feel about our lives. End. Of. Sentence.
The next episode will share the steps I personally have taken to move out of this midlife crisis and into a better headspace.
For now, let’s define this term!
What is a midlife crisis?
Most definitions of a midlife crisis describe this as an existential crisis that can be triggered by changing roles, life events, like moving, separation and divorce, loss of a loved one, and physical changes.
The Midlife Crisis term was coined in 1965 by the the Canadian-born psychoanalyst and social scientist Elliott Jaques. The term ‘midlife crisis’ seems to be a Western perspective on aging, life change, purpose, meaning, love and loss.
When we think about the Midlife Crises in women, and the pressure to stay youthful, thin and beautiful, it makes sense that many women would go through a crisis and self questioning period in perimenopause and menopause.
Men can experience this too. It just looks different.
The midlife crisis is NOT defined as mental health issue, but if you’ve gone through it, you can feel like your mental health is affected.
It makes sense that all these changes would cause deep emotions.
The physical symptoms and changes that come with aging, paired with the reality of facing our own mortality, can make you question EVERYTHING.
You might feel down about everything too. This may play out in hasty actions, as well.
This is why I'd advocate for a team approach if you feel like you are going through this. A team can be your medical professionals as mentioned above, but can also include supportive friends. I help clients create a web of support so they have many areas to turn to when they feel they need a helping hand.
When a midlife crisis interferes with your activities of daily living, this can become a mental health issue.
When we feel down about everything, we are thinking in black and white terms. Kind of like Diet Think, right?
If you’re a woman having a midlife crisis, my goal setting guide can help you sort out where you’re at, and where to go next.
It’s normal to feel stuck at this age! This guide will:
Share how to create your core values.
Walk you through a life balance wheel
Help you create your web of support.
Do women experience a midlife crisis differently?
We seem to carry a stereotypical visual of a midlife crisis in men - sports cars and affairs. Is a woman's midlife crisis different from a man’s?
It can be, and while many women may have affairs and get a sports car, a woman's midlife experience might involve the loss of fertility, and the ability to have a child, or more children, if that's what they desire.
This was me. Having my daughter was the best thing in the world.
But the chance of being a mom again, just that little glimmer was always there and when my period stopped for good, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried.
Not all women feel this way. Some are storing champagne for the day they NEVER have to have the inconvenience of a period again. Or their period history has been so awful, they can’t WAIT to get rid of Aunt Flo.
Other women find their midlife crisis looks like putting a foot down and reclaiming their time. Many women describe being fed up with having so many roles in life, from career, to cook, to cleaner, to .. you know what I mean? They want to do things for themselves.
YOU might be feeling this too!
You might be starting to question what you mean to your partner.
Midlife crisis can also look like plastic surgical interventions. This can be for both parties, but according to he American Society of Plastic Surgeons in 2014 women accounted for 92% of all cosmetic procedures, and men, 8%.
The total amount of cosmetic procedures performed for women in 2014 were 13.6 million as opposed to 1.3 million for men.
I am all for bodily autonomy. I know a younger woman who is planning her mommy makeover and another who just had a gastric bypass to lose weight. She may or may not have listened to my two episodes with Marianna Den Hollander about her experience with gastric surgery and informed consent.
I myself had a surgical intervention in my 40’s. THAT was my first midlife crisis, and it was all about appearances. This desire I had to change my body was definitely tied to lack of self acceptance, societal beauty standards and the feeling that I would be worth more if I fit the standards of body proportions.
Many things can have a woman question her worth.
As a woman.
As a human.
I’m not sure that I know if a man does this as frequently as a woman does.
I created a reel about this on my Instagram account.
Triggers to a midlife crisis can have you questioning everything.
What triggers a midlife crisis?
A combination of events, feelings, people can trigger a midlife crisis. There is no limit but can include:
Loss of your period
Loss of a relationship
Child leaving home for school
Loss of a job
Body changes
Staying in the past
Parents aging and caregiving
Parents passing away
Hormones and perimenopause or menopause symptoms
The hormonal component to a having a midlife crisis.
Changes in estradiol and progesterone increase risk for depression in perimenopause and menopause.
Decreasing estrogen and progesterone play a role in brain fog.
The drop in estrogen can also trigger mood issues and depression, according to the authors George Gillson MD, PhD, and Tracy Marsden BScPharm, who wrote You’ve Hit Menopause, Now What? 3 Simple Steps to Restoring Hormone Balance.
Estradiol (one of our estrogens) is needed to transport glucose into the brain.
Progesterone also plays a role in mood. This drops in menopause, as we do not have the corpus luteum, as the major source of progesterone.
While the midlife crisis can be emotional, there can be physical causes too, that feed into how you feel about yourself. If you have brain fog and it is affecting your work, that can play into increased anxiety about your position. Anxiety is another symptom of perimenopause that might amplify your midlife crisis feelings.
How do you know if you're having a midlife crisis
Please do not rule out depression, and other mental health issues, even if you think you are having a midlife crisis. Medical support can help you transition through this time. A licensed healthcare professional is important to see.
The signs of depression can include:
Lack of joy general feeling blah
Lack of motivation
Lack of direction
Loss of connection to self or other
Saying no to being social
STRUGGLE AT work
Depression can look like this too.
Other signs:
Fixating on appearance
Struggling with identity, relationships and purpose.
Lingering in regret of the past
Comparison: Grass is always greener
Contemplating your mortality
Questioning what you want in the coming years
3 questins to help you move through your midlife crisis.
I said it before, and it bears repeating:
Seek professional help. Rule out depression, or any other physical issue for you feeling this way, even if you identify with the signs of a midlife crisis, above.
It’s always best practice to have a medical appointment.
Ask yourself these three questions:
What is working for you right now?
What isn’t working?
What’s the most important thing right now for you? What do you really want? Identifying what you want in life helps you see what might be pulling you away from what you want.
It could be your bucket list, or another dream or desire.
OK, here’s a fourth question:
Are your choices supporting that most important thing right now, or not?
You may not like the answers, however I bet the answers will shed some light on why you feel the way you do right now. Having a midlife crisis can be one of the best ways to find yourself and grow.
Sources & Resources Mentioned in this Podcast Episode:
Podcast Episode: Ditching Diet in Menopause
You’ve Hit Menopause: Now What?
by George Gillson MN, phD and Tracy Marsden BScPharm